When your relationship has grown sour
And your desire
no longer burns
Pick up the
phone and call me
When you wake
up one day
And your wife
is a stranger
Lying in your
arms
Are the dreams you
never wanted
You tell
yourself
You can’t
believe
It’s happening
to you
How could you
have grown
So far apart and
never noticed?
Deep inside you
know the truth
The only
difference now
Is you can no
longer tell yourself
It’s just a
passing phase
That will
someday go away
You can no
longer rationalize
Wasting your
life away
Every new bang that
you’ve ever tried
Even
blindfolding her
And jamming her
on her side
No longer
delivers what you crave
Call me
When you feel
trapped
As you look at
yourself
In the mirror
When you have
finally arrived
At the
conclusion
That your entire
world
Is built on
artifices
Which no longer
sustain you
As you strip a
load in the shower
Before heading
to work for the day
At the job you
hate with real passion
Selling your
soul to the highest bidder
With your meek
tail between your legs
When you’re fed
up
With vacuuming
the carpet
When she tells
you to
Or you won’t
get ‘any’
When you’ve
lowered yourself
Even further
If that is
actually possible
And grovel for
the bush
You don’t even
really want
Call me
Tired of being
quiet
So you don’t
wake the kids
You wish she
would scream at least once
But she refuses
to do even this
For it would
express
Some form of
emotion
But that’s all
saved
For her
fantasies on TV
You beg her to
be kinky
To try
something different
Something new
As an image of
your neighbor’s
Daughter crosses
your mind
Working on her
tan
In a pink
French bikini
Sweating
In the summer
sun
Makes her cheeks
Stick together
As you sneak a
peep at her
Through the
blinds
Obscuring the
window
When you think
no one is looking
It’s your turn
to pretend
To watch the
kids
So the wife can
add
To the
treasures of the palace
From the latest
strip mall
When you feel
As though you’re
going to puke
If you have to watch
her
Stroll
through the vineyard
One more time
With her carefully turned up hat
So she doesn’t have to actually
Feel
The sun touch
Her pasty, white flesh
When it takes
Every fiber of your being
To restrain
Yourself from choking her
As you listen to her
Chirping to her friend
About how disgusting it is
When people drive their money around
As a man pulls up
In what must be
A more expensive car than hers
When you can no longer stomach
The sight of her
Sipping a dry wine
And
Swishing it
Inside her mouth
As though
She is a connoisseur
Of all things fine
When the very thought
Of watching her
Clear the taste with some crackers
Before indulging in the next
Adventurous selection
The grape curator
Has so thoughtfully picked out
After his years of killing
People in Afghanistan
Dropping bombs of hot fire
From a safe distance in the sky
Never seeing the death
Not up close
Not hand to hand combat
Where you look a man in the eyes
See him die
Feel him die
Call me
I’m on the other end
Just waiting
To be your special friend
I’m not saying he’s a bad man
He’s never called me
I suppose
He did what he had to
As all people fighting a war do
But it is rather ironic
Don’t you think
That he now grows grapes
For the wives of men who call me
Wives who don’t know
Their husbands as well as I do
Wives who lie to themselves
About what huge pricks
Their husbands really are
When they think he’s working
On his golf game
With some of the boys
From work
He calls friends
Little do they know
He’s telling me every detail
Of your miserable little lives
When you can’t take
One more moment
Of walking around
Like you’re in a coma
And calling it
Gentle and civilized
Call me
I understand
Has it ever occurred to you
That you can only afford to be lazy
Because someone overseas
In a third world sweat shop
Breaks their back for you?
But, she feels no guilt about this
Because, after all
She deserves it
Nor does it bother her in the least
That people in Africa
Are killing each other
For the diamond
She wears on her finger
It’s not so much
That you need
A new and improved
More efficient exercise machine
You need some
Hunger
Desire
Something you’ve never had
Because
You’ve always been
Soft and fake
Relishing your wine
As you stuff
Your fat ass with cheesecake
When Christmas
comes
You tell all
the sexy jokes about her
At the holiday
party
Everyone knows your
lust
Is just in good
Old fashioned
neighborly jest
As you drink
your desperation to sleep
And elbow each
other coyly
After the party
She lets down
her guard for a moment
And spreads her
legs somewhat warmly
Your prison is
fresh at that moment
Your flesh
appeased for an instant
But then
Whoever becomes
bored first
While claiming
satiation
Turns on the
boob tube
And the walls
go up again
You wish your
desire
Could rise as
quickly
As the barbs
and thorns
Of her
precious, dry wit
But
The further you
chase it
The deeper your
hole
Because even
pounding her from behind
Slamming it up
the one place
That is still
tight
She barely lets
out a concealed
Carefully
measured moan
She never told
you
About the guy
She loved long
ago
She never told
you
How she settled
for you
As a somewhat
acceptable
And
Adequate
provider
He is distant
Not in the same
way
Distant in time
She still does
him in her heart
Using your
flesh as substitute
But don’t ever
call her a prostitute
Cause she don’t
take cash
She only takes
credit
And the
interest is always rising
When you least
expect it
Like when she
yells at you
To bake the
goddamn cupcakes
And DON’T BURN
THE TINS
I need some
help around the house
You pathetic
excuse for a husband
When you feel as though
You’re going to explode
If you have to listen to her mother
Cackle one more time
About how society is going to hell
On and on
About her friend’s degenerate grandson
Who was caught with drugs again
On and on
About how things just aren’t as good
As they used to be
When people followed rules
And
Believed in something
On and on
Reliving the nostalgia
Of black and white movies
Back when the bands swung big
To the sounds of brass and Sinatra
On and on
Barely pausing to take a breath
She preaches to her deaf audience
About how they are
The generation of real heroes
Nobody appreciates them anymore
If they ever did to begin with
On and on
Gossiping as much
As humanly possible
About who if sleeping with who
And who is most likely to win
The baking contest
At church on Sunday
On and on
About how she could be happy
If it weren’t for
Her friend’s granddaughter
Getting pregnant again
She’s not even married
Can you believe it?
People just don’t have morals anymore
On and on
About
If her husband paid more
Attention to her
On and on
About
If her neighbor
Wasn’t driving her crazy
Every single day of her life
On and on
About
If she didn’t have to tell Johnny
To turn that obnoxious music down
A hundred times a day
Every time they visit
Can’t they see
That all this
Only adds to her pain?
My doctor won’t help me
It’s as if
He wants me to be in pain
She laments
As she swallows another pill
With a gin martini, straight up
On and on
About how
She was never half the slut
Her tattooed and pierced
Granddaughter is
Sure, she used to get it on
With every GI
She could get her mouth on
But that was just part
Of being in the USO
And
The war effort
As the Mrs.
obsesses
About the color
of her nail polish
People starve
around the world
But they don’t
matter
Half as much
As your spoiled
kids
You pretend to
be proud of
When they show
the slightest inkling
They won’t turn
out to be
Exactly like
you
All those boys
The wife went
down on in college
Bobbing their
knobs
With drunken
abandon
At all those
wild frat parties
Just practicing
up
So she could
save it all for you
And be princess
for a day
Walking down
the aisle in white
Hating every
friend
That watches
her
In a special,
jealous way
Hoping she cuts
the cake perfectly
As the camera
flashes
He pulls the
garter off
Her plump leg
As the old
folks clap
Her friends
hate her back
Criticizing the
tackiness of her dress
And the
insidious fashion of her shoes
Whispering
He really isn’t
so handsome
He only seems
so
In dark light
and tuxedo
The choir of
such finer virtue
Smiling big all
the while
Wash down their
confused envy
With a bitter toast
When they’re
not too busy
Ripping the
bride apart
Naturally
They complain
About their
ex-husbands
And
Their new bitches
Driving them
crazy
And making
their lives a living hell
He looks better
yet
With less sober
eyes
They can’t
believe
That she settled
for him
When she could
have done
So much better
But it’s too
late to change
Too late to
start over
Call me
I’m on the
other end
Just waiting
To be your
special friend
I’m always here
Waiting for you
Always here
Just for you
My life was not
so much like yours
Daddy used to
nail me in the trailer
Just outside of
town
When you went
to the circus
To see the
clowns
I thought of
running away
With the
carnival
All the
swirling lights
And cotton
candy
Dreams to fill
a young girl’s mind
But I got
knocked up by a boy
Daddy told me
to stay away from
Because he
wanted
To keep me for
himself
The carnival is
no place
To raise a baby
So I didn’t go
I dropped out
of school
With horrible
fear seizing my heart
Sleepless
nights I prayed
The baby was
Joey’s
And not my
daddy’s
Joey left town
With another
girl
So now
I wait just for
you
On the other
end of the line
Call me if
you’re lonely
We can talk
About anything
you want
I’ll wet your
desire
Confessions are
my specialty
Fantasies
Perversity
Everything
Your wife won’t
give you
I gladly will
For a fee
A small fee
Only 99 cents
per minute
