A SOLDIER’S STORY, A Selection From My Upcoming Book, The Sun Loves Every Planet Part II

 

For Charlene, Christmas Eve 2011

Our lips never touched

Though our eyes often met

Perhaps only for brief moments

To me

They seemed to last forever

 

We never went on a date

Our hips never ached with passion

In the middle of the night

I never felt your legs wrapped

Around me

Beneath all that starlight

Shining down on us

I never tasted your hot summer nipples

With my tongue

After we watched fireworks

Explode

In the July sky

We never watched snow fall

Until everything was white

Or

Built a snowman with a carrot for a nose

After we warmed up with hot chocolate

By the fireplace that your grandfather built

 

I had no idea what to say to you

I had no idea what to say to anyone

My thoughts always felt so loud

But

I could never find the words

To speak them

I am quiet

Like the wind that blows

Through the dark moods of the night

Still

You touched my heart

And now

All these years later

You touch it still

 

I thank God for you

I was fighting a war then

That I never told you about

I am fighting a war still

All these years later

What did you want me to tell you?

After watching my buddies die

All around me

After having some fun

A little Russian Roulette

I was the only one

To make it back home

Do you want to know

About every person I’ve killed?

Man, woman, and child

I was the best

I still am

I’ve killed too many to be a good man

Too many to be anything at all

Do you want to know about

Heroin

Why we need it as combat soldiers?

Take my pain away

Sister Morphine

Get me back into combat

If you can’t get me back in there fast

My friends will die

If that happens

I’m dead too

In a different kind of way

Do you know why we smoke cigarettes?

How do you think we stay awake

For days at a time?

Combat is heavy

There are no timeouts

No instant replays

No split decisions

It’s life and death

Give me smokes

Give me speed

So I can keep my friends alive

And

Make my country proud

The minute I got off the plane

They spit in my face

They called me baby killer

It broke my fucking heart

More than combat or injury

More than an enemy ever could have

Worse than the pain I felt

Every time I killed a child

Do you want to know more?

Do you?

I won’t tell you

I shouldn’t have told you this much

It’s my job to protect you

Why should these problems of mine

Burden your sleep?

 

I don’t care if I die

The only thing I have to look forward to

Is another battle

Another war

The world won’t let me be anything else

 

But then

You found me again

And I thought to myself

Perhaps I should try and stay alive

To try and live

Maybe war will end

And there will be something else

To occupy my time

But

That day hasn’t come yet

 

I have never married

Nor had children

I only know how to fight

I have never had the luxury of having a life

And now

I don’t know if it’s possible anymore

And if it is

I don’t know if I can live it

 

I don’t know how to dance

I don’t know how to play golf

I don’t know how to do many things

I only know, pain, death, war

Scars that refuse to heal

Injuries that remind me

Of

Who I am

What I am

Hopes that never have life

Why it is this way I don’t know

 

I want peace

I want to be left alone

Without some retarded insect pissing me off

Every 5 seconds

Every fucking day

But it is too much to ask in this world

This jungle I'm in is hotter than hell

Better run

Don’t look back behind you

My heart is sad

And yet

Something within it shines

I know I can’t give up

No matter what happens

I will always fight for you

There is too much at stake

For me to quit now

 

I want your children to have a better life

Than I have had

I want your hearts to be happy

They should never know

The pain of war

They should only know

The beauty of life

 

I want them to know the beauty

Of

Watching a bird fly

Into

Sun, moon, and starlight

I want them to listen

To the sound of the ocean

And

The song of the whale

When the wind is blowing

And

Fills us with all things possible

After all

Yesterday is gone

Tomorrow is not yet here

Tonight is all we have

 

If I should fall

Don’t cry for me

I did my duty

And

That is what a soldier is supposed to do

 

To die as a man

Is a good death

And

If giving my life

Allows you to live yours

I would do it again

Because

I love you

 

Then again

On second thought

Why stay where you’re not wanted?

Maybe I should move to another country

That wants me

That welcomes me

Why should you care about me?

I only put my life on the line for you

Every moment of every day

Welcome home

I think I’ll skip the parade